I am okay.

In this straightforward post I wish to talk about how mental stress develops overtime
and reinforces itself with every stroke of emotional outburst. I am not sure about the 
technical terms ,their definitions, causes, symptoms  etc. so, google these on your 
own. I am simply going to give a real life account of it.

 It started with a moment of an emotional shock. As several things started becoming 
clearer to me with every  passing moment ,  I thought about  them more and more .
 The same thoughts kept repeating themselves inside my brain every single day and 
night. All this was going on when I was studying for upsc prelims 2018.  At one side I
 was trying to study for more than 10 hours everyday and on the other side these 
thoughts were distracting me every 2 minutes.So , I tried to take a break from studies 
for 2 days. I  watched k dramas continuously for 2 days and did nothing else.

Although I knew about the intensity of hell I was going through but could not realise
its impact at that time . Today  when I am psychologically in a relatively better state 
look into retrospect I can comprehend it well.  I used to get up in the morning feeling
 dizzy and I used to wonder why I was not feeling refreshed which I am supposed to
 feel practically. With the clear awareness of this  situation I kept studying everyday 
without a single tinge of laziness from my part with utmost discipline I can say. But I 
was more distracted than ever, slower brain reflexes and  memory turning poorer. While 
studying too there were times when the subconscious brainwould take over , a thought
 would hit me and I would burst into crying. ( I remember there was one particular day
 when i kept crying all day. tears did not stop at all.)  i used to break down multiple times
 in a day.  i felt hollow inside,depressed and heavy. i cried so much that the cough persisted 
in the throat for atleast an year despite taking many remedies. i was misinterpreting the 
statements ,skipping words , misreading numbers etc. By the end of the day I would feel
 extremely emotionally vulnerable ,exhausted and lonely. I would now turn to my contact
 list and see whom could I call up to fill up this gap. But I would call up people very rarely because
 my contacts list seemed very empty to me at that time and even now.So now I would try to 
sleep but I could not. Those horrible  thoughts would never leave me. So now I would 
again turn to my mobile and repeat the same things.This routine went on for months.I
 had absolutely no idea of how to handle this situation. So, I turned to a friend for discussion 
but I didn’t get any solution there which I now can conclude was due to disbelief and lack
 of compassion . Then,  I turned to one of my Professors. Although  , he clearly explained to
 me about the root cause of the issue  but this did not pacify me more than 20 %. 

Later , as it turned out that my mother went in and out of the hospital frequently, went
 through this big operation due to several health issues and  my brain literally became my
 enemy now.  I tried to be indifferent with everything going on around me. I think I was 
pretty successful here but only during the day time. By the end of the day I would feel a sense
 of insecurity and hollowness. I clearly remember that I could not sleep well for months. 
I wanted to but I could never . The same situation kept on repeating for a few months. I 
must admit that at this junction suicide looks like an easy escape to peace.

As the exam approached nearer , I tried extremely hard to be stable ,calm and composed
 but now when I look back into  it, I believe  my stress level was very high which only I knew 
about.I clearly remember having only one instance during the entire year when I felt 
extremely light…really very light , just that one hour. I am till today craving for that feeling 
to repeat with me for the second time. Evidently I wasted a lot of time and an attempt 
due to stress. Also, i am still experiencing one consequence of it ...hair fall.

I think everyone goes through all this atleast once in their lifetime but I believe I delayed it, 
wish it had come earlier to me.Another thing that I feel is that your near and dear ones
 look at you with a lot of distrust. I was made to feel like I was going mad at one point of time
 and I turned into a person disrespecting them. This had never been the case in my entire 
life. I can write this on a white piece of paper that I have never disrespected anyone consciously.

 Best part of this entire horrible phase is that it inculcates a mature understanding into you.
  Also, i believe this is the time to see who is the real human being…the one who makes you 
realise of the power and strength within you or the one who overpowers you.

Good night :)