In this straightforward
post I wish to talk about how mental stress develops overtime
and reinforces itself with every stroke of emotional outburst. I am not sure about the
technical terms ,their definitions, causes, symptoms etc. so, google these on your
own. I am simply going to give a real life account of it.
and reinforces itself with every stroke of emotional outburst. I am not sure about the
technical terms ,their definitions, causes, symptoms etc. so, google these on your
own. I am simply going to give a real life account of it.
It
started with a moment of an emotional shock. As several things started becoming
clearer to me with every passing moment , I thought about them more and more .
The same thoughts kept repeating themselves inside my brain every single day and
night. All this was going on when I was studying for upsc prelims 2018. At one side I
was trying to study for more than 10 hours everyday and on the other side these
thoughts were distracting me every 2 minutes.So , I tried to take a break from studies
for 2 days. I watched k dramas continuously for 2 days and did nothing else.
clearer to me with every passing moment , I thought about them more and more .
The same thoughts kept repeating themselves inside my brain every single day and
night. All this was going on when I was studying for upsc prelims 2018. At one side I
was trying to study for more than 10 hours everyday and on the other side these
thoughts were distracting me every 2 minutes.So , I tried to take a break from studies
for 2 days. I watched k dramas continuously for 2 days and did nothing else.
Although I knew
about the intensity of hell I was going through but could not realise
its impact at that time . Today when I am psychologically in a relatively better state
look into retrospect I can comprehend it well. I used to get up in the morning feeling
dizzy and I used to wonder why I was not feeling refreshed which I am supposed to
feel practically. With the clear awareness of this situation I kept studying everyday
without a single tinge of laziness from my part with utmost discipline I can say. But I
was more distracted than ever, slower brain reflexes and memory turning poorer. While
studying too there were times when the subconscious brainwould take over , a thought
would hit me and I would burst into crying. ( I remember there was one particular day
when i kept crying all day. tears did not stop at all.) i used to break down multiple times
in a day. i felt hollow inside,depressed and heavy. i cried so much that the cough persisted
in the throat for atleast an year despite taking many remedies. i was misinterpreting the
statements ,skipping words , misreading numbers etc. By the end of the day I would feel
extremely emotionally vulnerable ,exhausted and lonely. I would now turn to my contact
list and see whom could I call up to fill up this gap. But I would call up people very rarely because
my contacts list seemed very empty to me at that time and even now.So now I would try to
sleep but I could not. Those horrible thoughts would never leave me. So now I would
again turn to my mobile and repeat the same things.This routine went on for months.I
had absolutely no idea of how to handle this situation. So, I turned to a friend for discussion
but I didn’t get any solution there which I now can conclude was due to disbelief and lack
of compassion . Then, I turned to one of my Professors. Although , he clearly explained to
me about the root cause of the issue but this did not pacify me more than 20 %.
its impact at that time . Today when I am psychologically in a relatively better state
look into retrospect I can comprehend it well. I used to get up in the morning feeling
dizzy and I used to wonder why I was not feeling refreshed which I am supposed to
feel practically. With the clear awareness of this situation I kept studying everyday
without a single tinge of laziness from my part with utmost discipline I can say. But I
was more distracted than ever, slower brain reflexes and memory turning poorer. While
studying too there were times when the subconscious brainwould take over , a thought
would hit me and I would burst into crying. ( I remember there was one particular day
when i kept crying all day. tears did not stop at all.) i used to break down multiple times
in a day. i felt hollow inside,depressed and heavy. i cried so much that the cough persisted
in the throat for atleast an year despite taking many remedies. i was misinterpreting the
statements ,skipping words , misreading numbers etc. By the end of the day I would feel
extremely emotionally vulnerable ,exhausted and lonely. I would now turn to my contact
list and see whom could I call up to fill up this gap. But I would call up people very rarely because
my contacts list seemed very empty to me at that time and even now.So now I would try to
sleep but I could not. Those horrible thoughts would never leave me. So now I would
again turn to my mobile and repeat the same things.This routine went on for months.I
had absolutely no idea of how to handle this situation. So, I turned to a friend for discussion
but I didn’t get any solution there which I now can conclude was due to disbelief and lack
of compassion . Then, I turned to one of my Professors. Although , he clearly explained to
me about the root cause of the issue but this did not pacify me more than 20 %.
Later , as it turned
out that my mother went in and out of the hospital frequently, went
through this big operation due to several health issues and my brain literally became my
enemy now. I tried to be indifferent with everything going on around me. I think I was
pretty successful here but only during the day time. By the end of the day I would feel a sense
of insecurity and hollowness. I clearly remember that I could not sleep well for months.
I wanted to but I could never . The same situation kept on repeating for a few months. I
must admit that at this junction suicide looks like an easy escape to peace.
through this big operation due to several health issues and my brain literally became my
enemy now. I tried to be indifferent with everything going on around me. I think I was
pretty successful here but only during the day time. By the end of the day I would feel a sense
of insecurity and hollowness. I clearly remember that I could not sleep well for months.
I wanted to but I could never . The same situation kept on repeating for a few months. I
must admit that at this junction suicide looks like an easy escape to peace.
As the exam
approached nearer , I tried extremely hard to be stable ,calm and composed
but now when I look back into it, I believe my stress level was very high which only I knew
about.I clearly remember having only one instance during the entire year when I felt
extremely light…really very light , just that one hour. I am till today craving for that feeling
to repeat with me for the second time. Evidently I wasted a lot of time and an attempt
due to stress. Also, i am still experiencing one consequence of it ...hair fall.
but now when I look back into it, I believe my stress level was very high which only I knew
about.I clearly remember having only one instance during the entire year when I felt
extremely light…really very light , just that one hour. I am till today craving for that feeling
to repeat with me for the second time. Evidently I wasted a lot of time and an attempt
due to stress. Also, i am still experiencing one consequence of it ...hair fall.
I think everyone
goes through all this atleast once in their lifetime but I believe I delayed
it,
wish it had come earlier to me.Another thing that I feel is that your near and dear ones
look at you with a lot of distrust. I was made to feel like I was going mad at one point of time
and I turned into a person disrespecting them. This had never been the case in my entire
life. I can write this on a white piece of paper that I have never disrespected anyone consciously.
wish it had come earlier to me.Another thing that I feel is that your near and dear ones
look at you with a lot of distrust. I was made to feel like I was going mad at one point of time
and I turned into a person disrespecting them. This had never been the case in my entire
life. I can write this on a white piece of paper that I have never disrespected anyone consciously.
Best part of this entire horrible phase is
that it inculcates a mature understanding into you.
Also, i believe this is the time to see who is the real human being…the one who makes you
realise of the power and strength within you or the one who overpowers you.
Also, i believe this is the time to see who is the real human being…the one who makes you
realise of the power and strength within you or the one who overpowers you.
Wow! This is hard stuff!
ReplyDeleteI am blown away by your honesty and the accuracy with which you have described how "hell" looks like.
A very important thing that you pointed out is that you got all this clarity after it had passed. Time heals and one needs to be in a healed state to understand what really is going on with them.
But perhaps the most important thing here is the importance of empathy. We all wish to be understood. And in these moments of extreme sorrow one thing that helps a lot is being able to talk to someone without judgement. You mentioned compassion and empathy is a big part of compassion and I think it's the part that people get wrong most of the times.
See when you tell someone about what's going on with you, people generally see that as a problem that needs to be solved. This can lead to some problematic scenarios. Sometimes all someone cares about is jumping to the solution as fast as possible so that they can feel good about themselves. That's bad. Sometimes people will say I have enough problems on my own and don't have time to solve your problems. That's harsh. But sometimes, even worse, people in analyzing the problem make the victim the problem. "Big deal, just pull your socks up. Worse things have happened to people and I don't see them crying about it. Don't be weak and stop crying." I can't stress enough how harmful saying this to someone who's going through all this is.
People also fail to realize empathy is not agreeing. You don't have to agree with the other person, you just have to be there. Tell them you understand (or if you don't tell them that) and that they've got a friend.
Now, the real problem is there is literally no education in India (and perhaps most other countries) about mental health issues and importancr of empathy and compassion. Most of us are just going off of our instincts. And some of these instincts might be quite harmful. Matters get even worse when you add the fact that other people might actually be going through something similar but might be in denial. Now, listening to you and understanding your pain would force them to confront their own issues. This person who's not in the right mental state of mind will probably do a very bad job of understanding you.
But as you say, life teaches. People make mistakes and they (hopefully) learn from it. "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I'm glad to hear you're much stronger now. I'm glad you were brave enough to reach out and I'm glad you found someone to understand you and give you strength.
Just to clarify...I didn't find anyone to listen and understand me. I gave myself the strength.
Deletesame time same thoughts same feeling
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ReplyDeleteHi karishma, i hope ur doing well now. Never thought u were going through all this mental trauma while preparing for upsc. And im really glad that, that phase of your life has passed and u somehow got over it now. I never had chance to talk to u a alot (for like forever), but i know you are one of a kind from the start. You were always a brilliant student, and i am damn sure you will definitely achieve your goals. And i am not just saying this, i really feel it from the bottom of my heart. And i really wish (hope) we can talk sometime. All the best.
ReplyDeletewhat a pleasant visit shahid. it feels good when your childhood friend remembers you. we were 8 or 9 i think . it is nostalgic. :-)
Deletewhy not? we can talk someday. mail me your no. and don't be angry if it is not sooner. i am hardly on any social media platform.
Bye :)
Hey Karishma ....I hope everything is fine ....I tried contacting you through some friends of our batch ...no one was able to let me connect with you I got only one information of you clearing NET ....felt very happy ...after reading your this blog am expecting a call or meeting.....I know you are nowhere on social platforms .....7533045856....same no. You were having of mine
ReplyDelete