I am okay.

In this straightforward post I wish to talk about how mental stress develops overtime
and reinforces itself with every stroke of emotional outburst. I am not sure about the 
technical terms ,their definitions, causes, symptoms  etc. so, google these on your 
own. I am simply going to give a real life account of it.

 It started with a moment of an emotional shock. As several things started becoming 
clearer to me with every  passing moment ,  I thought about  them more and more .
 The same thoughts kept repeating themselves inside my brain every single day and 
night. All this was going on when I was studying for upsc prelims 2018.  At one side I
 was trying to study for more than 10 hours everyday and on the other side these 
thoughts were distracting me every 2 minutes.So , I tried to take a break from studies 
for 2 days. I  watched k dramas continuously for 2 days and did nothing else.

Although I knew about the intensity of hell I was going through but could not realise
its impact at that time . Today  when I am psychologically in a relatively better state 
look into retrospect I can comprehend it well.  I used to get up in the morning feeling
 dizzy and I used to wonder why I was not feeling refreshed which I am supposed to
 feel practically. With the clear awareness of this  situation I kept studying everyday 
without a single tinge of laziness from my part with utmost discipline I can say. But I 
was more distracted than ever, slower brain reflexes and  memory turning poorer. While 
studying too there were times when the subconscious brainwould take over , a thought
 would hit me and I would burst into crying. ( I remember there was one particular day
 when i kept crying all day. tears did not stop at all.)  i used to break down multiple times
 in a day.  i felt hollow inside,depressed and heavy. i cried so much that the cough persisted 
in the throat for atleast an year despite taking many remedies. i was misinterpreting the 
statements ,skipping words , misreading numbers etc. By the end of the day I would feel
 extremely emotionally vulnerable ,exhausted and lonely. I would now turn to my contact
 list and see whom could I call up to fill up this gap. But I would call up people very rarely because
 my contacts list seemed very empty to me at that time and even now.So now I would try to 
sleep but I could not. Those horrible  thoughts would never leave me. So now I would 
again turn to my mobile and repeat the same things.This routine went on for months.I
 had absolutely no idea of how to handle this situation. So, I turned to a friend for discussion 
but I didn’t get any solution there which I now can conclude was due to disbelief and lack
 of compassion . Then,  I turned to one of my Professors. Although  , he clearly explained to
 me about the root cause of the issue  but this did not pacify me more than 20 %. 

Later , as it turned out that my mother went in and out of the hospital frequently, went
 through this big operation due to several health issues and  my brain literally became my
 enemy now.  I tried to be indifferent with everything going on around me. I think I was 
pretty successful here but only during the day time. By the end of the day I would feel a sense
 of insecurity and hollowness. I clearly remember that I could not sleep well for months. 
I wanted to but I could never . The same situation kept on repeating for a few months. I 
must admit that at this junction suicide looks like an easy escape to peace.

As the exam approached nearer , I tried extremely hard to be stable ,calm and composed
 but now when I look back into  it, I believe  my stress level was very high which only I knew 
about.I clearly remember having only one instance during the entire year when I felt 
extremely light…really very light , just that one hour. I am till today craving for that feeling 
to repeat with me for the second time. Evidently I wasted a lot of time and an attempt 
due to stress. Also, i am still experiencing one consequence of it ...hair fall.

I think everyone goes through all this atleast once in their lifetime but I believe I delayed it, 
wish it had come earlier to me.Another thing that I feel is that your near and dear ones
 look at you with a lot of distrust. I was made to feel like I was going mad at one point of time
 and I turned into a person disrespecting them. This had never been the case in my entire 
life. I can write this on a white piece of paper that I have never disrespected anyone consciously.

 Best part of this entire horrible phase is that it inculcates a mature understanding into you.
  Also, i believe this is the time to see who is the real human being…the one who makes you 
realise of the power and strength within you or the one who overpowers you.

Good night :)

Let's blow the candles..

I had been trying to avoid taking this channel for a very long time now to throw away 

my negative thoughts but now after exhausting  all my options  i am ready to blurt 

out certain things  here.

So, some of my most logical friends believe that "expectations are the cause 

of all sufferings ." 

therefore we must stop expecting anything from anyone. While you are going through 

a deep emotionalcrises in your life ,you would immediately agree to this because this 

is the shortest route out there to save yourself from most hurtful ,heartless sentiment

 thrown at you by your loved ones. But now let me have a closer look and a broader

 picture at this idea.

 whom do we expect  basically from?

family,friends, colleagues, peers etc

 Our expectations, hopes hurt us if not displayed by the person in the manner we

 are expecting.

What sort of society are we attempting to create through this thought?

A society where a pregnant woman should not expect a seat from a man , an old

 man with clutches in hand should not expect a youth passing by to help him 

cross the street , a young girl being molested by a group of goons should not

 expect any help from the crowd.

For those who would argue now that all of these scenarios occur in public life

 and the idea revolved around 

our personal life. So , I should not compare the two...

To expect small acts, gestures of kindness and compassion is not a sin. 

It is one of the  basic  elements of human nature to strengthen solidarity

 in society.  On what basis these expectations were made in the above cases is 

with the assumption that your family cannot be present with you all the time.

 Therefore, the world should be a family. Further, if you believe that your 

expectations should not cross the frontiers of your family then you are narrow 

minded and selfish . I feel pity at you because you have been trying to avoid the

 distortions in your simple ,busy life from a giving end but you don’t realise

 that someday you too will be at the receiving end as

 well.

So, you are going to fall in either of the above categories ( pregnant woman , 

an old man and a young woman ) someday . But you should not expect anything

from anyone because this is what you have taught yourself all your life.

Now coming onto the personal side of this very idea. your friendships , 

relationships at your workplace are all superficial because today at this age of 24

 you are having an amazing time with good health and wealth . So, you remember

 your loved ones at the time of party, auspicious occasions etc but wait you should

 not expecteven a single word of kindness or encouragement in case you are

 having an emotional, financial or health crises and vice versa.

I should not expect my closest friend to ask me how am I after failing in an exam 

even after working hard, I should not expect any encouraging words to start all over

 again and vice versa .

Then , why there is any relationship  existing at all. Someone please explain!!

Can this sort of society work? Yes , it can but with the assumption that our 

government institutions are strong enough to replace social institutions .  We already 

are having the constitutional ideas that originate from  the concept of individualism

like equality, liberty etc .  And social institutions are functional too. Problem is the

 clash of the traditional culture promoting collectivism with the western and 

constitutional ideas fostering individualism. So till the time our democracy does not

 become strong enough to take care of an individual 

right from his birth till death . We must keep our expectations high because that 

will ensure the existence of a loving, caring society.

In this light, 2015 was a game changer year for me. i learnt some of my best lessons

 in that year on the personal front. it even showcased to me that how i had 

created a good world of my own neglecting all the basic conflicts that we all have 

with our different set of beliefs, ideas and understanding on life issues. So, here I 

happily lose out two of my favorite people and I want to celebrate this today as I 

am optimistic that things would only improve from hereon. Further, I feel extremely 

TIRED of sorting out things relentlessly  and failing each time.

Let's blow the candles and move on...☺

kavi ki kavita

I am sure we all amateur poets have experienced this while trying to come up with our master pieces ;-)

                                                             ...beautifully expressed by Anchali Jain

the fakeness in your love story

Lately I have been hearing a lot about the modern day hypocrite tales of love and the consistent utterly casual usage of the words like girlfriend  , boyfriend, relationship ..blah blah…so much that my soul has turned rebellious to the disrespect that is being displayed to this beautiful emotion.

At the same time please do consider the fact that I have zero experience on the personal front while I am writing this piece and my views are vulnerable to change with the rising graph of encounters and experiences.

Nowadays , the concept of love is completely enveloped by the materialistic desires, showbiz and trends. Every six months one comes up with a new boyfriend or girlfriend to run the cycle of time pass once again. The word “relationship” has become so common and   devoid of feelings that it seems like a long lost deal and The new definition of this universal truth that binds a man and a woman is the most idiotic and stupid evolution of the last few generations where there is more lust than love, more show off than elegance and more stories than silences.

It may or may not involve sacrifices, may or may not transform into marriage, the simple truth is if you love someone at present  , future conclusions should not be a part of it for the simple fact that true love is  beyond success or failure. The genuine evidence of true love lies in the fact that even after 20 years of its start  ,those two people still have a place for each other in their hearts although they are married to someone else and he/she is loyal to his/her partner . The instant uprising of your hormonal levels can never be a definite indicator of your feelings but attraction? Yes !  However, the best love stories are those as I believe which gradually rise up to the time ladder and whose foundation is respect on which you build up your trust. J

Photography time

theme : kids :-)

SHE

From the incomplete identity of Lord Shiva in the absence of Sati  (‘Aardhnareeshwar’)  to the epitome of destruction, Goddess Kali. Our mythology has played a fair game to achieve and remind us of the dignity of the physically weaker gender (females). She had been  given a special treatment to compensate for the unbalanced roles in the society in order to make the common man respect her not on the rational basis or on the humanitarian grounds , simply for her existence (which undoubtedly is a 

great thought) which  carries a lot of super ultra-powers in special cases , not in general.

But the theory seems to lose its shine now a day.  In the masculine world, a reason   is the primary requirement to make any man value anything. To expect a man to treat you like any other human   is a lame philosophy unless you give them strong   reasons  which compel  them  to shed the feeling that a woman is a vulnerable commodity.

A girl’s status in society is primarily decided   (as I understand) by the freedom a father gives to his daughter. This freedom defines the boundations with which a man’s eyes  and  mind explore her body. The public expression of a man’s domination is not as much a factor for her low dignity  as  the denial of her fundamental rights which bars her to enjoy herself and more importantly LIVE  herself and here starts the advocacy of the special treatments  for her to which I strongly object as it isolates females  more and present them  in all the more vulnerable state.  Any special laws or privileges by negating the basic rights   are not sufficient to move towards the concept of an equal world. However, times are changing  , the moderate pace movement from the blind worshiping of the man to the pragmatic questioning by feminists is stirring the world to what most of us envisage.

To make females (especially those belonging to rural and semi-rural areas) more aware of their rights and  strengths , the government of India should make it mandatory for girls to work outside and live on their own for atleast two years. (and two years of baby-sitting for boys if possible  ;-) ) These two years , I believe will prepare them for the rest of their lives.

Stallions

They ran, ran faster than the wind

Bragging the dust, beating the heat

They sought the vengeance

For the owner of their breed

Sweating the valley

Bridging the canals

They flew like the singing lake

Crushing the fields

mashing the flora

They reached to the enemy

Encircled the killer

Dozen eyes beamed into the two

He shattered with fear

Screamings of his heinous act

Whispered in his ears

They came forward

A giant bubble of blood

Coloured the valley red

They gathered again

Swept the blood into the air

They ran, ran faster than the wind

Rainshower

This night gazing at me as

It desires to get lighter

Still lightening with the smiling moon

 and  desiring to throw a rainshower.

Hiding behind the curls sparkling

Its shyness like a new bride.

Throwing a faint light in his ambit

And describing its beautiful power.

Twinkling stars together

Competing against the moon

Living in the myth of making

the sky brighter than the moon.

But everyone sweating in the sky

Hoping to bath in the rainshower

Came together to win the cloud’s power.

back to you...

Dedicated to my best friend Tanya Gupta.....

My ways revolved around you

Kept you blinking in me

When extremes of life touched me

You were always there to hug me

When it all started new

I remembered you every bit

You initiated the cause

I passed quietly but shouted a lot

Seasons came and gone

Suddenly, the world got a makeover

Only your soul was consistent 

Only your smile , only your smile....

Time took you far, very far

I looked suspiciously at you

Coz you ignored our old acts

But time threw me by your side once again

Tides were big enough to drown me

You faced, not me and shielded me

I gazed at you but never said

Whichever way I choose

It may not interest you

Whatever I feel, you may not sense

But in the end , all my ways

lead me back to you…..

gloomy soul

Shut the gates of your soul

Show me your rusted holes

Sterile your empathy to me

And blink your lying eyes

Your darker shade is my sun

Your lies are my truth

Hold your breath, take a break

And let me colour my gloomy soul

Deceiving your presence in me

Dooming your dreams

Blacking my desires in the moonlight

To colour my gloomy soul

Hammering your criminal words

Tearing your noisy side

All set to kill your rise

To colour my gloomy soul

Dissolving my conscience in your curse

Writing your end with my sword

Squeezing your life to hell

To colour my gloomy soul

A tribute

This post is dedicated to my teacher who never taught me (formally) but the most important learning and lesson in my life has come from him. For me, he is the eternal truth and ultimate conclusion.

There are two kinds of teachers in this world. One: They come to the class, teach their subjects well and leave on time. Two: Their life is itself a subject, their each venture is a chapter to understand and their each struggle is a lesson to be learned.

                                                     "Guru Gobind dou khade ,kake lago paaye

                                                     balihaari Guru aapne Gobind diyo bataye"

Right from the 6th std. , most of us have read and heard this doha a thousand times till now but how many times have we visualised ourselves doing so. In my case , not even once till 2013.

 You would never understand the meaning of a teacher unless you have encountered the person who completely fits in this Utopian seemingly vision. And then, you don't designate him as Sir/Ma'am. the word Guru comes into play, almost effortlessly. Life is followed by a big question mark before his arrival and when he does, for the first time you listen to someone, tries to understand , imbibe and search that "purpose" which was missing till now.

You will see compassion in his eyes, understanding in his body language, solution in his words and a vision in his sight which he is trying to transfer in your senses. We spent more time discussing with him our queries about  life than academics. 

Since I am fortunate to have met a few of those Gurus. I would go a little further on Kabir Dasji's take. Among my PARENTS, God and Teacher. I will choose my Teacher.

When VishnuGupta (Chanakya) emphasises on the need to look for the spiritual knowledge in a person before accepting him as your Guru....the idea seems outdated but it makes a perfect sense if we observe their job carefully.

We begin....We travel....We accept.....We face....We reach (to our goal)

Its WE who has to ultimately cover that distance and acknowledge that phase in life. The teacher will only guide us through self discovery.(This part played by our Guru is so significant that I wish to shift some of the years from my age to his so that he can guide more generations to come). And this concept of self discovery is directly related to spiritualism.

A teacher is the most important asset of a nation. This fraternity can either break or make the future of a country.

                                                       

                                                      HE IS THE ETERNAL TRUTH

                                                 HE IS THE ULTIMATE CONCLUSION

My take

The following anecdote happened about seven months ago. It was not a big or a highlighted incident in its nature but it is an important one in my life. I believe  there comes a time ,a moment in everyone's life which somewhere shatters your moral or human foundations and the whole scene gets repeated before your eyes to scratch the guilt and you badly wish to alter or manipulate the past a bit not because you think it should have been RIGHT  that way but because you want to get rid of that unnecessary tension and exhaustion. And in some cases it ignites a revolution of change.

Once while my class was going on, two boys( both belonged to my class) and a girl (she belonged to some other course) entered the class half an hour late. An immediate alcohol smell shifted everyone's attention from the blackboard towards them. It was not as if no one has ever consumed alcohol before but the guts definitely mattered. Here, I will not talk about what they did was right or wrong, they better know it. My teacher allowed them the entry. All the three adjusted themselves at the last seat. The girl sat between them with a novel in hand.
I do not exactly know whether the teacher in class did not smell anything or was it this way  like for most temporary teachers.
"lets concentrate on the job yaar, i am on ad hoc. leave it."
They laughed aloud, cracked filthy jokes, made evil faces etc. I did not like the things were going on. I should have stood up and protested against their irresponsible behaviour. But I DID NOT  because at that time I preferred to look at the blackboard than the falling prestige of my college. This was the first mistake of my life. I did not stand up to save the dignity of my college, the same college on whose achievements I feel proud.
 What is the use of this education I receive in this college if I could not stand up to save the dignity and decorum of the same institution.
Does education mean only revolving around books, memorising theories, understanding concepts and finally writing them in exam to get a piece of paper called as Degree. All our life we are told not to do this and that but no one tells us what is RIGHT and what is WRONG.
I do not hold any one of us responsible for the mistakes we do in our social life. I held the education  Minister of this country responsible for our degrading characters. Why don't we emphasise on life skills and character building??
If your character is blemished once, all your life people look at you with the new identity which sets during your bad times no matter what great deeds you did for the last 50 years. Character gone, Dignity gone. That's how it works in the society.
I think it is good that we do not have the medium to go back in past and rectify our actions otherwise we would have completely forsook the habit of learning from our mistakes.

We can not rectify our PAST but we can surely base our FUTURE on certain  principles and beliefs.

three words

This is what i could understand about LOVE in my twenty years of life. But there is much more hidden in those three words (which are said nowadays with so much ease) which u n me would probably never understand in this fast paced and cynical world. And if u do , then please share...

                                          The opposite senses complementing our lives

has poured an enigmatic magic into our equation

and this equation is not so easy to ignore or to solve.

The depth of your eyes fills my heart with a mesmerising

mystery when you say those “three words.”

I feel the fragrance in your voice

passion in your silence

bliss in your tone

and compassion in your eyes.

The  silence in your gaze drive me

to a world where the only voice

 audible is of heart beats.

At the intersection of our highways

I may look up to you and rethink

To develop the same old magic again.

whatever may be the distance between us

whatever may be the circumstances surrounding me

My desire to encounter you again will not fade.

First impression

Meena turned her eyes towards Gayatri  in disbelief and froze for a fraction of a second. Her phone two inches away from her ear, still on call, the campus was silent.

“where are you ?”,she broke the silence

“swan cafe”, came the reply

And then the call was disconnected from the other side.

Gayatri gazed at Meena with the questioning eyes.

“Visit the campus. Have a good time.” ,said Meena

“Is this what he said. Unbelievable. I am not concerned about myself but u  know him for a pretty good time now. This was a pathetic response. ”

“No need to call him back.” , ordered frustrated Gayatri.

Lost in their thoughts; walking seemed easier than talking about the insult just happened. None spoke. They simply followed the way, unaware of the destination.

Meena was thinking of the Facebook chat happened a few days ago. She had expressed her desire to visit his campus and he replied “anytime dear. I will show you the campus well. Just inform me once before leaving.”

She  had met him just once before on a formal occasion and that " first impression" streched the time by three months. She had developed a fondness for him in these three months. She adored his creativity. He was a painter.

And suddenly  , all this seemed like a bad dream. Deep inside , she was expecting him to call back and apologise but wanted to keep the thought away. It was not as if they could not visit this place themselves but Meena had especially come to meet him. It is not the idea of visiting the place that make your day beautiful but the company you have.

“Do you need a Guide  ?” the voice came from behind

They turned back to see a young boy standing in a cool pose  with a camera in hand. Gayatri wanted to say no .  meanwhile Meena recalled a quote “the best revenge is a life well lived.”  She didn’t remember the name of the person who said this. The word “revenge” was not fitting well in this situation but it was okay.

“but how do you know we are here to see the campus ”,asked Gayatri

“you both have been walking around this statue for the last five minutes. And…..”

A quick circumspection made  Meena aware of the blunder they were doing. She interrupted him to avoid further embarrassment  “yeah !! sure.”

“Idiots, that’s what  we are,” thought meena

“They say it right: sometimes girls don’t THINK.”

The next two hours passed  quite smoothly. They could not have hoped for a better end of this day. The young photographer’s company was a delight. His every third sentence followed good humour. And undoubtedly, girls like boys with good sense of humour.  They did not exchange numbers. Nothing was expected from any side. It was an accidental meeting borne out of betrayal which turned out to be really good.

On their way back to the hostel, Meena’s eyes glued to an advertisement poster which read “first impression is not always the last impression.”

Lady in the train

I have been to this railway station a number of times during the four years of my stay in Chennai but this time the feeling is different.As I am standing here, every second is drowning me to the good –bad, sweet-bitter memories of my college life. My friends in college, the first time we bunked classes, the college fests, the election drama, the pranks played on the professors, the race for the girlfriends. The entire film is running before my eyes. I may never come back here again. Getting a degree is beautiful but the emotions attached to those four years are too beautiful to be described in words.

As I waved my hand to say the last goodbye to my friends, I never looked so intensely at their faces. Somehow I controlled that drop of tear which was about to roll down to edge of my upper lip just like in those Shah Rukh khan movies where protagonist never cries because he is the hero. And if he does, the Indian audience does not accept him as they are too concerned about their macho image. Though the way to the railway station was quite near from my college, just a five minutes affair but today it took us twenty minutes to cover the same distance.

My journey from a shy, docile boy to a quick witted and frank dude was full of excitement, fun and thrill. Suddenly, a loud whistle stuck my ears. As the train approached nearer, the mob got divide in small groups and condensed at the gates. I too picked up my luggage and entered the coach struggling through the crowd. I checked the seat number and quickly adjusted the luggage in the luggage box. Meanwhile, I heard a tiring voice asking for help. I turned back to the octogenarian lady. She was a few steps away from me. I went ,saw her ticket, held her hand and luggage and brought her to my seat. I fixed her luggage opposite to my seat as she moved her hand on my head. She murmured something in Tamil.

Another whistle, train was all set to leave. Myriad emotions enveloped the station. Old lady seemed very interested in scene. She stuck to the window. Leaving the city busy, the train gradually picked up the speed. She shifted her eyes from the platform to me as she removed her red spectacles to clear the glasses.

“Lot of hearts welcomed me  when I had put my first step in this city at the age of 15 as a bride but today not even one is interested to perform duties or at least the formalities. Out of my four boys , none asked me where I was going?”,the old lady said in frustration.

I did not find the appropriate words to console her. So, I decided to sit quietly.

“Life gives its share of deservings to each one of us at a justified time and don’t even give time to complain, huh!! ” , she said

I simply nodded my head in approval this time as I felt the need and pressure to make a gesture and also because I still could not find the right words. She gazed at the novel in my hand and asked the name of the novel. I avoid telling the name for  the fact that she may not understand English. I tried to settle her curiosity with a monotonous reply“story book”.

I did not realise when the cold vibes threw me into sleep. It was around 8 p.m  that I realised  that a rough hand was touching my cheek and the voice was breaking. She was asking me to fill the water bottle from the next station. I did when the train stopped at the next station for two minutes unwillingly though as I had no reason to say no. Meanwhile I also cared for my luggage. Those two minutes were like hell. I came back thinking why the hell had I agreed. But everything was fine. I decided to stay away from her for I might lose some of my stuff in this social service. I developed a kind of animosity against her for no perfect reason.

It was around 9.15 p.m. the relaxing tone of the train tearing the wind was like that sweet song which brings relief and a perfect soothing environment to sleep. One of the reasons I slept early was to avoid the old “lady in the train”. Last time I checked my luggage and looked at her. She was covering a black n white blanket which seemed to be opened for the first time. I could even smell the fragrance which is generally there in the new clothes. That night was colder than I had thought. I had picked only a light blanket from my bag. I was shivering but was not conscious enough to take the second one from the bag.

Next day , I woke up to go for the private business. I was shocked for three reasons. First, the seat opposite to mine was empty. This was a relief though until I made the second observation .Second , now I was enveloped in that new black n white blanket and third , a note in my novel as I looked on my side. The note was not  a big surprise but the note written in English was definitely a big surprise. I felt small, very small. I felt guilty for my behaviour. Now I could not even think of compensating for my behaviour with today’s social service as she was gone. And the note in English will always remain a mystery.

About ME

WELCOME  friends!! 
THANK YOU for visiting the blog. :-)
Let me start with my introduction.
                                                      I am not a WRITER.
                                                      I am not a PHILOSOPHER. 
                                                      I am not an EXPERT(in any field)
                                                       
I AM A STUDENT just like you and everyone else. I am a student of Delhi University.I wish to be a life long student. Sometimes it is the safest thing to say :-p  
Besides, I have a burning desire to LEARN ....learn from my friends,  my classmates,my teachers, my parents and YOU. :-)
You will be my TEACHER and I shall be your DISCIPLE. 
A lot of my friends complain that I do not acccept others' point of view. I too somwhere  feel the same. so, here I am ....all set to TRANSFORM my VICES to VIRTUES. 
This blog is mainly dedicated to SHORT STORIES.I am not a professional writer but i love writing and sometimes only i understand my writings :-p but i will try not to let you feel the same. ;-)
 but I may post sometimes articles,personal experiences too. 
Your suggestions,advices, comments,compliments all is welcome. 
Your RESPONSE will be the most precious possession for me. :-)
Feel free to oppose me, contradict me, acknowledge me , rectify me (spellings and grammatical mistakes included) and 
criticize me because "friction not only opposes you but also gives you a balanced walk."
 you can also share your stories and experiences provided they are original 
and  u can also join me on facebook  karishmaavashishtha@facebook.com 

THANK YOU